i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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