He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
