You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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