After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
