had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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