just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
