i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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