If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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