I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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