...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
