idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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