I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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