The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He better not be in your backpack
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
