you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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