I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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