you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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