If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
