She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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