I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
they need to just BURY HIM!
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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