im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
i drank out of a bidet.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
