I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Randomize
