I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So vagazzling was a success
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
