Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
