I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
