I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
