I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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