I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
