first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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