I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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