Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
