At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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