Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
