There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
