My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Did I show you my penis last night?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
