i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
