Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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