are you still at the devil's house?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
