she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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