I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
