It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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