yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Swine flu is the new snow day.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
