he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
