Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
