i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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