Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
he high fived his dick after we had sex
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
