Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
