I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
