Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
