You just made me feel so damn special
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
