im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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