Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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