I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
